Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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