My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
