By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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