if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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