i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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