So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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