Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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