If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
