his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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