I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
