made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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