6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
