Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
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just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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