I am in a vortex of obligation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
