I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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