literally had 100 drinks last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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