I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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