Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
