I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
