When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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