Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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