Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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