My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
