I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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