Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
