I puked a lego.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
