I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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