Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
