You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
