My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He passed out mid-signature
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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