I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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