You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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