I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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