im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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