The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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