If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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