if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
