On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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