bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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