coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
