Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
