38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
