I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
