I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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