The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
