you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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