Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
