Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
