Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
