You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i love accidental penises.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
