So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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