and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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