don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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