Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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